listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
