my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
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