Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
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