I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
