do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
