If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
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