Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
