By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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