I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
