I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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