it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Randomize
