I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
