i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
