Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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