How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize