he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
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