Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
