Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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