I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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