I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
