you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
