My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
