remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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