I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Hippo gnu deer
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
