Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I wish life had little blips of pornography
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
