i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
