I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
