Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Thank you for not boning my boss.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
