And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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