i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
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