I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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