I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
I just threw up on my dentist
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
