i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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