my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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