cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Randomize
