Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
zippers are such a cool invention
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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