the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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