Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
