Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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