I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
