allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
