Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I could fuck to npr.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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