I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I faked an abortion last night.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
