He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize
