I've blown a few things in my day
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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