If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
