My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
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