Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Mom said you looked used
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Randomize
