The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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