well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
