glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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