the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
