My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
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