So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I need moral support for this bender
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
