we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I'm really busy with my period
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