pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
