He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
